Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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