Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
