my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
