I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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