Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
