Who did Billy Mays play for?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
