So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
