Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
