He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
