just come out here and I will go home with you...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
