You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
