I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize