The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
