He is an equal opportunity slut.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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