I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I could fuck to npr.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
