apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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