Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
