We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
