Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
