He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
