Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
