Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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