I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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