hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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