If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
