i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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