What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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