I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
