I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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