Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
