Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I smell stomach acid.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
