everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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