I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
