I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
