this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
