I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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