i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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