remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
