i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
