After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
