Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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