yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
