you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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