considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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