ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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