There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
