dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
