i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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