You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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