I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
