I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
