I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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