i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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