Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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