It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just cropdusted the office
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize