Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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