Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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