Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
