I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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